As the days keep coming & I find myself still struggling intensely with the loss of my best friend, my best confidant and my biggest protector (here on earth,) I find myself confused with how to feel and how to move forward with my life. I have spent a large chunk of time getting better acquainted with scripture, breaking it down into small pieces & really trying to understand the words. Beyond that, I am looking for some very individualized, specific advice on how to deal with my grief of losing a sibling. I made the choice last night to order a couple of books off of Amazon. I hope they will help me move forward with any kind of focus, clarity, or strength that was previously eluding me.
The title of this post serves as a reminder to anyone who has the opportunity to support, love, or talk with someone who is suffering from grief. Grief can be very misunderstood. As someone who is hyper-aware of death, grief, and people’s attitudes towards survivors, I have some firm attitudes on the whole situation. There are certain circumstances (usually by our own doing) that make our lives “hard:”
- Unwillingness to change, including drama related to unhealed wounds from the past & not moving forward
- Unrealistic expectations–especially when a situation will not improve by your actions, your patience, or your attitude
- Settling into unhealthy roles
- General bad choices
Grief has NOTHING to do with how “hard” someone’s life is. Remember that—it does not matter how much money they have, what titles they do or do not hold, the daily pressure they allow into their lives, the choices they make, or what their past decisions were. They have no control over the fact that someone they love just died. Their life is not easier because they have a lot of money or because they work less hours than you do. Never assume grief is lessened by the things they can control and never compare your non-grief stricken life to theirs by comparing superficial things!
Losing someone close is overwhelming, it takes time to learn good coping mechanisms, and the pain comes & goes in waves. There will not be a day where they are “better,” but there will come a time where they deal with their grief more efficiently. Losing my sister, I find myself overwhelmed with tremendous guilt. I am tortured by the pain I saw her go through and I feel guilty that I am here but she isn’t. I miss her and there is nothing I can do to feel better. That is why I ordered the books. I need help dealing with this—more than I thought I would. Needing to buy support books about losing a sibling doesn’t mean my life is hard, it just means I am working through intense pain & grief. The two concepts can’t be compared.
It is noteworthy that I have an amazing, wonderful support system. As I sifted through literature about losing a sibling, I realized how lucky I have been. No one has underestimated how hard this is on me. Family and friends have gone out of their way to love me, even though they are grieving too. I will let you know if the books I ordered are any good. I do highly recommend looking at online grief resources. There are many out there and even though I cried a lot while I read through the articles, they understood my situation better than most people could.