Love Survives – Missing My Sister

flower collage

 

“She seems so cool, so focused, so quiet, yet her eyes remain fixed upon the horizon. You think you know all there is to know about her immediately upon meeting her, but everything you think you know is wrong. Passion flows through her like a river of blood. She only looked away for a moment, and the mask slipped, and you fell. All your tomorrows start here.”  – Neil Gaiman, Fragile Things: Short Fictions and Wonders

I would be a fool to pretend that I have constructed something polished to honor my sister’s passing. The rawness of it all still lingers. She was the inspiration for so many things in my life and she was my best adviser. This is going to be unimaginably hard. So instead of pretending I can predict when it will be “better,” I will just say that it is already okay because we were extremely close, we know how much we love each other, and nothing can ever change that.

It all happened so fast. Sara had cancer for five and a half years but was only in Hospice care for a week and a half before she was gone. Her breast cancer spread many places but it was her brain & bones that caused the worst pain & discomfort. All of my normal daily worries melted away as we focused on Sara. Nothing else mattered. Everything that was bought with money became worthless, and only time with her had any value.

I will miss her so much. I absolutely love my sister: Her smile, her voice, her laugh, her honesty, her hugs, her careful way of selecting just the right words to describe something, her perfect sarcasm that burned me every time, her brave adventures in the kitchen, her musical tastes, her appreciation for nature & animals, how great a travel companion she is, how excited she gets about happy things, her acceptance of how unfair life can be, her positive attitude, and her strength in guiding her own journey. She was a beautiful example of how good life can be if you make way for meaningful, thoughtful life. People matter—not status, income level, title, acknowledgement; and never things. Sara understood the importance of limiting negativity, toxic situations, and drama. She never went out of her way to make someone feel bad. She knew how to use her time on earth for a greater purpose.

We live in an age of contaminated food supplies, polluted water and air, and our personal products we purchase with our hard earned money often contain nightmare ingredients. I started this blog & my YouTube channel in an effort to share the natural recipes I was making for Sara & myself. Toothpaste, deodorant, lotion, lip balm, and laundry soap can be made without tons of harsh chemicals. Food recipes can focus on whole ingredients instead of canned foods with preservatives. Sara had great improvements in her health while she focused on eating whole foods (no special crazy diet, just healthy whole foods.) She was disgusted at the loads of chemicals & preservatives in her personal care products, but she was enraged at the amount in baby/children’s products. We were not perfect & did not cut out everything bad for us but every step we take helps towards an overall improvement in health.

I would love to make lists of Sara’s favorite things but I know that we all have our own set of memories & favorites that are unique to our relationships with her. I will personally miss watching storms, playing in the rain, dancing, singing, playing with the dogs, gushing over new makeup products, trying out new restaurants together, purposely watching crappy movies (MST3K & “The Room”) and quoting SNL sketches (“I drive a Dodge Stratus,”) reminding each other to “treat yo self,” hearing about the latest book she loved (lots of Neil Gaiman, Patrick Rothfuss, Laurel K. Hamilton, Christopher Moore, Joe Hill and many more…) Sara never liked to say “goodbye” at the end of a phone conversation–I miss her exclaiming “MEATLOAF” and then hanging up on me, I will miss our exchanges of Gary Busey and Nic Cage photos on Facebook and I already desperately miss being able to shoot her a message or text when I see something funny. We loved travelling together but I’m pretty sure that Sara’s favorite place was home. Family, the dogs, friends, and good food were all we needed to feel like we were complete. That is what I love most about Sara. She was enough all by herself and she made me feel like I was too.

1 Corinthians 13:13

ON WRITING…

I’ve finally started writing for the joy of it.  Last night was the first night I devoted time to letting my brain run wild.  Mom asked me what I was doing.  I told her I was writing.  She must have needed clarification, as she seemed unsure if I was responding to a message or writing writing.  I told her I was typing a story.  “Yours?“  I responded quickly with, “No.  From memory, someone else’s.”  We both laughed so hard I almost cried.

I don’t think that comment would be as funny on any other day, but yesterday it was magic. –Sara’s Tumblr, 1 Year Ago

 

 

 

16eb72d681e90e4153ac5d761c6fc188– Taken from Sara’s Pinterest “Sound Advice” page

***A special thank you to our friend Dana for the rainbow photo on the front of the video. It was taken the afternoon that Sara passed away. Sara was as beautiful & unique as a circular rainbow–I’m glad Dana caught it.***

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