Grief is a powerful force. Sara passed away of cancer at noon on June 27, 2015. My spiritual belief held me together, gave me unimaginable strength, and provided me with the energy to care for her, medicate her, and hold her hand up until her death. I was there with her and considering my fears surrounding the situation (bone deterioration, possibility of her neck breaking,) her passing was peaceful. I did not know how strongly I would experience dissociation, grief, and shock. My little sister is gone.
For the better part of the last two years, I was drowning in guilt. Well meaning people can tell you a million times to move on and that she wouldn’t want me to be sad but I can’t put into words the horror I feel about her suffering. I truly did not know that I would ever witness something so disturbing and not be able to help. It is humbling and it reminds me that in the end, we only have our love for each other. No worldly possessions, trophies, titles, or memberships will help us through our toughest of times. Love your family and take care of them–that is my advice to everyone reading this. Do not let your need to control other people’s lives prevent you from loving them openly. Do not let your need to express disapproval of things that are none-of-your-business stop you from giving them your love. Love is what got me through the last two years and I don’t believe anything else would have. It was tempting to get a puppy or plan a big trip, but I just needed to regroup & focus on the kind of life I want to have.
Time Passes By
Time has stood still and yet so many things have changed. The Presidential Election would have been pure entertainment for her. Mystery Science Theater 3000 reappeared on Netflix and Chopped finally started doing an after show where the judges compete! The remake of Stephen King’s It would have been high on her list of movies to see. She would have loved Stranger Things and American Gods! She would be ecstatic about our friends & family expanding their families! Sara was a happy person looking for reasons to celebrate the good in life–I really miss her positive influence!!!
I had to learn to control my grief. It is hard to explain my demeanor sometimes–I am reminded of Sara in many situations & I am also reminded that there are certain things she never experienced. I know that I seem a little off, quiet, or strange in inopportune moments. I am just thinking of my beautiful sister. The periods of intense grief have significantly longer periods between them. I am finally able to access happy memories again and that feels wonderful. Everyone processes grief differently. It can be done with the help of professionals but you can deal with it on your own. Be sure that you are dealing with it–there are people to help in the form of books and online resources. Even if you are simply reading a forum on grief, you will benefit from the connection to other people’s stories! I love you Sara Lynn.